Monday, 14 April 2014

The unspoken job you were married to do

That beautiful day arrives. You dance, you are excited, you feel beautiful, finally you have been joined at the hip with the man of your dreams (or so you think)
You are excited about the prospects of walking on the beach with your husband and lover. You refuse to think about anything except the beautiful you know is ahead of you. You imagine the dinners you will have, you imagine the conversations that will lead to cuddling, you imagine someone who will never get tired of you.
But it turns out, it is all in your head.
There are no walks on the beach, there are definitely no dinners, if you go out, it is usually by providence, you hardly spend time together in fact your home sometimes is like a war zone with each side representing Palestine or Israel.
Most times you find comfort in tears or food and before too long, you can testify that you are struggling with clinical depression.
Days pass, months crystallize into years and they begin to look at you. Your spouse begins to look at you because you have not uttered the words 'I am pregnant' Both families begin to give advice about how to get pregnant, you struggle with what to do while trying to stand firm on your beliefs.
When all you really want to do is run, run and stay on a bed forever.
Now and again, you are reminded that you are barren and little by little even your spouse begins to discount you as a human being. You are strong, so you must be strong.
Then in a moment of clarity in between your depression, you wonder where the 'better for worse' is.
You wonder if you have ever been really loved, you wonder if all the ceremony was for show. Truth is, you were married to provide a warm body and birth heirs to brag about.
It is nothing short of the modern replica of the times of the old kings of England.
Your sense of identity is lost because in your refusal to provide a child, you are not relevant in the scheme of things and everything you do is constantly weighed against the fact that you have not borne a child.
But whoever you are my dear darling woman, you matter. You are beautiful and please don't let the worry of not bearing a child mark you and the so much you could be doing as a person while you wait. If your husband is attentive and loving, thank God for him and keep holding on. Build your career, build a legacy so that when that child comes, you will be the phenomenal woman you were meant to be.
It is just through my eyes
Gros Bisous

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