Monday, 27 May 2013

Thus saith the Lord, you are not my wife!

The complexities of the human mind and its most unique nature to capture, store and disseminate data, is a concept most fascinating to me. I mean, the algorithmic processes the mind must deal with before making any decision either in fast or slow thinking must be gargantuan even in its most basic forms. The processes must be similar in some form to the processes of the personal computer, especially in its DOS format (i.e. code environment before windows loads). In this environment, every simple click of a button used in the windows/Mac environment becomes a C/ command, a more complex and detailed process, albeit providing the same results but showing every process the computer goes through in delivering on each command. I have read papers which claim that the human mind can match and even better the processing capacity of a computer, as much as to the 1000th degree;  an interesting concept when put vis-à-vis man’s dependence on these gadgets to organise and simplify his daily routines. It is even more interesting when you think of the infinite possibilities accessible to the human mind, even when in error, especially in the direction of our most converted desires. Having entrée to the very core of our wants and desires, pursuing them in the best possible logic while eliminating all non- possibilities, creating the perfect conclusion.

Thus, may be the thoughts on your mind, if you were ever to meet with Dotun, a pastor with the MFM, who calls you out of the blues, seeking to meet with you. The claims of having gotten your number from a mutual friend and needing to meet with you, to discuss some very urgent and personal matters, may at first puzzle you and just as you are about to discard the very thought, curiosity, like the need for a heroin fix, kicks in, and it only becomes a matter of time before, the reason for him wanting to meet with you completely consumes your mind; and grudgingly, you  yield to the temptation. The words of his lips at the meeting scheduled, began with a short sermon on the many demons out and about in female clothing, as i weighed him intently, wondering what manner of scam this had to be. My mind was on high alert, pondering, and just at the point where i was about to cut his act, he stops me dead in my tracks with the words “Your friend Titi says God told her, you are meant to be her husband”.  Shocked was an understatement, I was completely knocked for six. He now had my rasp attention, jaw agape not sure what to make of the words I had just heard. My mind raced to and fro as he lectured me on the manifold ways in which God speaks to his children and how often times, when the man had his ears blocked, God could speak to the woman to reach out. He capped it up by asking me to keep this revelation to myself, for fear that, the devil lurking in the shadows, may be on the prowl seeking to steal this vision; still gobsmacked, I thanked him and left.

I fumbled with the car keys, in ticking seconds after walking away from pastor Dotun, not being able to concentrate, missing the key hole repeatedly; my mind stepping into the heart of a maze, was lost to the world. My vision began to blur as apparitions of Titi and I began to play, over and over in my head, and all I wanted now, was to find solace in the comfort of special living room couch, to ponder all these thoughts through, but commonsensical heads prevailed, as I was sure driving would be a bad idea at that moment, and thus, decided to first, take a walk.

I sincerely did not know where to begin, I mean, if Titi said she heard from God, she had to have heard; but, could God be serious. This had to have been some really mean joke heaven had decided to play on me and though I was sure archangels Gabriel and Michael were reeling in laughter, I for one, could not have been any more sober. Titi and I, are from 2 different galaxies, this just had to be some spiritual setup, absolutely, it had to be a test of some sort, like that faced by Job, or even the prophet Hosea, whom God told to marry a prostitute, making his marital life a complete misery; but, then again, God could not possibly want this for me also, or could he.

I vividly remember the day I met Titi, it was my first day on the job and we happened to be in the same unit; a very fun character, who had this unbelievable zest for life. It was quite an irony though, as she looked so Mary Poppings, from her usual flowing heel-length skirt, to her awkwardly coloured blouse, accompanied with the no jewellery, no make up dress code, you could not possibly miss the obvious, yes, Titi was a highly spiritual sister who worshipped at the MFM. Quite amazingly, my usual anti-social tendencies were not a hindrance to our rapport though, as she was bold and promptly made the introductions in a soft and subtle voice, whiffed with a British accent; I still remember being puzzled with the oxymoron, personified right in front of me, not sure what to make of her person, but like smoke, these thoughts were quickly discarded, as there was work to be done. We were to work together on several projects over the coming months, sometimes working late into the night; and in this time, Titi had I grew to become really good friends; also giving me the opportunity to observe Titi’s really attractive womanly virtues. She always seemed to know when my mind was troubled, consistently displaying that mother hen persona; we could be deeply engrossed with work, skipping launch and she would somehow slip away, often oblivious to me and return with food, no doubt, Titi was the perfect colleague. We got along quite well, since I had a pretty clear grasp of MFM’s tenets, and kept things I felt may be offensive to her outside our interactions, especially as it concerned entertainment, jewellery and the likes. I expected her to be highly conservative on issues of sex and marriage and often wondered what sort of rapport she had with her fiancé; oh! wait, did I mention she was engaged?

After walking for about 4 kilometres, I had regained a little bit of composure, and being sure I would not drive into a jogging tree, i returned to my car and journeyed home. I drove in to meet Muyiwa, (my sage of a flatmate, with whom I shared a 3-bedroom apartment with) on the front porch. I desperately needed to share this rather ludicrous episode with someone, anyone, but I just somehow couldn’t, remembering Pastor Dotun’s request for secrecy; and after dilly dallying for some minutes in small talk, the issue, struggling to be set free from the depths of my soul, erupted like molten magma flowing from the top of a volcano; I really couldn’t care anymore, If I was to bite the bullet by marrying Titi, then at least I had to make some sense of it. Muyiwa’s immediate response could not have been more annoying though, as 5 minutes after I relayed the encounter to him, he was still laughing with tears flowing down his face, I was impatient and puzzled and the more irritated I became, the more hilarious the whole matter seemed to become for him. He laughed some more and his laughter began to break a smile on my face, which gradually became a chuckle and it seemed at that moment I had an out of body experience, floating above, looking down at my countenance, and I also burst into laughter.

All of a sudden, it hit me, like a bag of coins to the face; the signs I had somehow missed in the past began to come together. The jealous-like rants she gave, on how I wasn’t serious with our present projects, whenever she met me having a canteen chat with any of the females in the office, the consistent gifts, the readiness to pray and sometimes fast along with me whenever I had issues bothering me, the after work calls just to check in on me, the fights and eventual break up with her fiancé, the unsolicited cash she’d randomly deposit in my account whenever she noticed I was low on cash; gosh! It was official; I was the most clueless man alive. Titi had indeed heard a voice, no doubt, but I was pretty sure, the voice wasn’t God’s.
Tunji Andrews

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