Thursday, 9 May 2013

Got a text and it said that my daddy died...

Got a text and it said that my daddy had died.

We had a fight many years ago and had not spoken to him in 10 years.

Even though he retained his title as dad, it wasn't because he fought and won battles with me, it was only because he contributed to the DNA  that created me. He argued that he did me a favour by not aborting me and  a little more by sending me to  primary & secondary schools. He nevertheless never let me and my siblings forget that he was doing us a favour by sending us to school. He was abusive, condescending and my dad.

He cheated on my mother on several occasions, the beautiful woman I knew as mum became frail as a result of his constant abuse. He made her life hell. She was the woman who tied him down when he was not ready, she was the woman who did not allow him enjoy his life. (He said ever so often). In reality, she was the woman who held the family together with her finances while he squandered his great wealth on women. 

I know pops was just a man but how do you hurt someone you love, I couldn't understand. I still don't understand.

Now the telephone rings, what am I supposed to do?

The last time I saw him, he sent me out of the house at age 19. I had no money, no savings, no one except my mum who managed to squeal out little from the small she made. I slept on the cold hard floor, sometimes under the bridge, watching with one eye for anyone who might want to harm me. And once because I was so hungry, I had to perform homosexual acts with a male Senator for a fee. A fee that I eventually transitioned into paying tuition for my first year in the university.
I went through school working odd jobs. I had to provide a bit for my mother who was exhausted from just surviving with the younger siblings.
I had no one to teach me, I had no to guide me. I had no one to tell me my left from my right.
Despite all that, I fantasised that my dad would come looking for me and establish a connection that dads and sons did.
But that will never happen. The man. My dad. He is dead.
...and even though I have got my girl beside me, a father's love is hard to find. Every boy wants his daddy there, wants his daddy at his graduation, wants his daddy at his wedding day.
So now...I make this vow, my son will have me in his corner. But I am afraid, I may turn out to be like my dad. I don't want to abandon my kids...
I need help
All men...there is more to life than carrying the ego of manhood. Be a father. Be an uncle. Be a brother. Be a friend...It is all that matters.
It is just through my eyes...

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  1. So touching...No matter what, we have to always find a place in our hearts to forgive those who hurt us-with that we can move on with our lives & also we wouldn't do likewise to others.
    Remember, He will never put more on you than you can bear....

  2. So sad....not in a position to give an advice cos i have never experienced it but i would offer a prayer for you telling God to give you the grace and strength to forgive and forget...Your past is over.